general madness · Stories

Singing My Soul Back Home

I’m an odd little man. Fact. And that means being way too passionate about some things (affectionately referred to as ‘Geeking Out’), social awkwardness, and something a little more unique – I sing. People who know me have heard me sing to myself, sing walking down the street, while working, while cooking, while happy, while sad, even when I really shouldn’t sing. It whelms up from inside me and is out before I consciously catch it. There is a song that unites them and it is the song of my soul. I get that people don’t sing as comprehensively as I do – it is strange, but it is also fundamentally me. In essence I like who I am, how I am and how I live in the world.

I’ve had a tough year, and my song got less, and less and less until it disappeared on me. I also agreed to take magic pills to help heal my soul (ie happy pills) but they make me dull, without diamonds and sparkle and definitely without song. I hit the point where I lost my song for a really long time, easily 6 months, six months of living vulnerably, and apologetically (sorry I am as I am), and disconnected, and that was beginning to become my reality.

But then something extraordinary happened.

I went to see a family I know and stayed for a few days. They have a son who is constitutionally very like me – strange and aspie-esque and wonderful exactly as he is. He is a perfect mirror to the bits of me that got lost and despondent. He has somehow become very attached to me (even though I think I am not very personable, particularly when it comes to children and young people) and would have these wonderful conversations with me, taught me to play chess (I don’t know how I went so long without learning before now), and through how he relates to the world, sang a ‘song’ that I recognised. In his search for words, and facts, and the enjoyment of the search for and acquisition of knowledge I met myself, and as days past I became ever more myself.

After a few days I was more me again, and a strange thing happened, as it always used to – I began to sing. It wasn’t something that came consciously, but it welled up from deep inside of me and came out. What most surprised me was the song that my soul sang. It was an old, but strangely apt Spiritual:

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Over this time I also had thoughts and conversations about who this young man was constitutionally, and what challenges would meet him. Reflecting, I realised there was all that potential for otherness, exclusion, bullying and people trying to push down those bits that sparkle and shine and are enthused. It happens to all of us, but especially for those of us who sparkle a different colour. Having been reminded of my souls song, and having had my soul sung back home (though there is still much to do) I hope that if he, or others who like me drum to a different beat, lose their song, that I can some day sing that song for someone else.

Though too young to explain quite what that has meant to me, and not wanting to hang a label on how we are, what I could tell him was this: “I appreciate our friendship and I like you EXACTLY as you are”. The song of the soul is the love song the soul sings to itself, it says yes, and that song also sings between people as beautiful harmonies and resonant notes. Viva la musica!

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